This is a special edition of my blog.
Take it with several grains of salt. I’m chin-deep in some powerful scotch.
So, as a happily divorced father of one, I’ve found myself swimming in fresh new waters. There’s something to be said for being free and single. I’m not at mid-life crisis stage yet, I’m still young-ish, and I live in a big f’n city where everything can and does go down. It’s possible life has never been better…or more complex. But even so, I still date in the hopes of finding The One. I’ve come close, mind you. But I’ve fallen short. And so I persist.
As I wade through this existence, I find one thing is increasingly true: I’m picky about dating. Really picky. Everyone has a right to be picky, but perhaps I’m the pickiest. It’s a long, slow road toward the end of life, and I figure (and I bet you do, too) that unless you’re spending it in the company of good people, good people who get you, you’re not doing it right. This is doubly true for dating. You know what I mean. It’s an absolute battlefield out there. As you get wiser, you start to learn what you love, and what you don’t love. You discover what you need, and what you’re willing to tolerate.
And so…now that I’m two glasses deep in my scotch, I present my somewhat sarcastic but also alcoholically honest:
Dating Audition Questionnaire!
1. Do you drink?
2. If not, how the fuck do you get through life? 🙂
3. Do you smoke?
4. If so, how often? And aren’t there better things to put your lips on?
5. How tall are you?
6. If shorter than 5′ 7″, are you willing to wear stilts? Or really, really high heels?
7. What are you passionate about?
8. It’s not Donald Trump, is it?
9. What ethnicity are you?
10. Did you know I don’t care what ethnicity you are? 🙂
11. Are you funny?
12. How funny?
13. Like, can I make vulgar yet sophisticated jokes around you and not have to worry?
14. Do you work out?
15. Ever? Or just sometimes?
16. Can I play Slayer, Carcass, Marylyn Manson, Pantera, or Danzig in the house?
17. Ok fine. What about if I only play it while you’re in the shower? Or sleeping? Or drunk?
18. Do you like country music?
19. If so, do you know where the door is? 🙂
20. If I say the word “Pi,” are you thinking food or numbers or both?
21. Do you believe in god?
22. If so, which particular sky wizard is going to smite me for this questionnaire?
23. What astrological sign are you?
24. Do you know the stars in the constellations are millions of light years apart? And that they look completely different when viewed from a different perspective in the universe?
25. Swords or guns?
26. How many times is enough sex in one month?
27. If I triple that, is that ok?
28. Do you like to give people ‘silent treatments?’
29. If so, do you know where the door is? 🙂
30. Red wine or white?
31. Meat-eater or vegetarian?
32. What’s your favorite food to eat in the morning?
33. And for dinner?
34. What percentage of Italian and/or Sicilian do you have in you?
35. If higher than 50%, am I going to die if we break up?
36. Are you going to trash my obnoxious friends when they leave?
37. Or are you going to accept the fucking challenge and be more obnoxious than they are?
38. Can we order Chinese tonight? And tomorrow? And what about Sunday night at 11PM?
39. Have you ever been to a movie in the theater alone?
40. If not, do you know where the door is? 🙂
41. If you’re the first person at a restaurant, do you go in and have a sip at the bar or do you hide in your car until someone else arrives?
42. How many minutes per day do you spend on your cell phone?
43. If more than 20, do you know where the door is? 😐
48. If I turned your car stereo on right now, what song would start playing?
49. Is comedian Ron White funny? On a scale of 1-10, how funny?
50. Is Michael Bay a good movie producer?
51. Is Netflix binging an acceptable date night?
53. Cats or dogs?
54. If not both, are you allergic?
55. How many hours of TV do you watch every week?
56. If we trim that in half while we’re dating, is that ok?
57. Can you explain to me the difference between arguing and debating?
58. Do you consider shopping to be ‘fun?’
59. If so, why?
60. How many screws up do I have before you consider cheating?
61. No seriously. Can you give me an exact number? 🙂
62. What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen?
63. Wait…you mean it wasn’t Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
64. What’s the last book you finished?
65. You wanna go stare at prisoners in the local federal penitentiary?
66. If not, are you ok with me not wanting to go look at animals in the zoo?
67. See what I did there?
69.5. Are you jaded?
70. If so, what will it take to break through your armor?
* * *
At the time of completing this article, the author had consumed three glasses of scotch after running three miles.
Please forgive him.
Get more questions about life and love here.
And end the world right here.