Down the Dark Path Books, Paintings, and delicious darkness from J Edward Neill

My Giant Cat Army

July 15, 2016 / by grimwain

Ages ago, back when I lived in the real world, I had a crap-ton of cats. I mean…a lot…as in too damn many.

They swept in and out of my life like ocean waves. Sometimes the tide would rise (12 cats when I was a kid) and later recede (as I type this, only 2 are left.)

They’ve been a constant fixture in my life. I admit I’m not really sure what’ll happen when the last two go. Maybe I’ll get more, maybe not. We’ll see.

Look, I get it that dudes having cats is pretty much the end of the world.

F it.

Here’s a glimpse of my cat army, past and present:

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Let’s start WAY back, as in almost 20 years ago. This here is Pumpkin, codename: Mr. Bitch. He lost his eye due to surgery, but lasted many years afterward.

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The fun thing about Mr. Bitch was that even after he was fixed, he would try to have sex with all the female cats. They didn’t seem to mind. I guess you can’t keep some guys down.

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Here’s Mr. Bitch’s main concubine, Callie. Aka: Kong. As far as cat friends go, she was tops.

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Kong caught napping. This little cat would dream so deep she’d shiver. No doubt dreaming of Mr. Bitch gettin’ his groove on.

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This here is Giblet, codename: Jibby. And yes, that’s a human head she’s living on.

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Jibby was a nutty animal. Not quite right in the head. She eventually ran away. I still like to think she’s out there doin’ her thing. If she’s alive, she’s only 8 years old, so maybe…

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Now let’s talk about Chitlen, aka: Cheezy, aka: Chang. She was badly inbred and insufferably dumb. But damn she did funny stuff. Every time anything in the house would make a hissing sound, she’d go bonkers and meow…forever.

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Cheezy wrapped up in a Cubs blanket. Lil’ fatass could sleep anywhere, anytime.

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Introducing Angel, alias: Da Terre. She never really fit in with the rest of the troops. In an army, she’d be a spy, a sniper, a lone wolf. She may very well have been the smartest of them all. It’s probably important to mention this shelf was about 6 1/2 feet off the ground.

BaBa

I mean…I guess she was kinda pretty. A cameo Persian, they called her.

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Link and Melba. Named for the Zelda character and the toast. Found these two at a softball game. I think they were bro and sis, but who knows?

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That’s Cheezy on the right, and Braids (aka: T Nigs) on the left. I couldn’t even sit on the damn couch without them showing up looking for handouts.

 

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This one still lives with me. Noodle is impossibly stupid, but undeniably the nicest animal you’ll ever meet. Also, she smells bad.

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‘Derrrrrr, whad am I s’posed to do wit dat?’

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Now let’s talk about my BFF, my main cat, my little pardna in crime. This is Sticky, aka: Sticks, and even though she’s blind now, she’s still a lunatic.

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This is Sticky fighting UFO’s with her death-ray vision.

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She also makes for a great movie-time snack: Pretzels.

More Sticky action shots:

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I’ve had about 35 cats during various phases of my life. Alas, I don’t have pics of most of them (leastways not digital ones.)

Most of them have passed on.

But they’re still troops in my army.

And when I reach the point of having no pets anymore (probable considering my plan to move) I’ll still remember these little mofos.

* * *

Sadly, in this book, all the cats are GONE.

See you next time.

J Edward Neill

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